She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
