how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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