I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
