it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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