I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
