I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
