who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
