I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
