Don't make out with my wife yet
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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