I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
