i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
