Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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