I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
