Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
