So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize