Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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