Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
