"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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