THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
