Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
