We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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