What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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