i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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