i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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