How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
