my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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