if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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