My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
