because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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