God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
