There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
