If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
