I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You made out with two different species that night
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
