i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Boobs are out for the taking
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
