i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
