remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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