So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
