dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
