I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
