Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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