Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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