i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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