I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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