I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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