I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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