Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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