I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
