if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
