you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
