the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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