A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
