I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
