Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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