The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
