note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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