Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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