The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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