I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
