Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I enjoy the company of your penis
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