Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
